Please Don’t Ghost…

The year is 2022, and information is King. And his senior-most advisor? The world wide web. There’s a search engine or app for basically everything, and thanks to social media, you can pry into the lives of friends, enemies, and everyone in between at virtually any time you please. People, places, and things have never been more accessible than they are right now. And while these times have birthed greater technological advancements than we could imagine, human behavior has managed to regress.

Yes, our world is smarter. But are we? Survey says? NO. And while the debate rages on as to why, I can’t help but wonder if some of our technical innovations are stunting our emotional growth and maturity?

Case in point, GHOSTING.

ghosting [ˈɡōstiNG] (noun) – the act of ending relationships without communication, explanation, or hesitation

You may have heard of ghosting in the context of a romantic relationship. “She ghosted me after matching on a dating site…” or “We had a great first date, but I never heard from him again…” These tinder tales are often told. Yet and still, ghosting can happen in any relationship. You can ghost your job – enter employee ghosting.  You can ghost your family: it worked for this guy. You can even ghost your friends. But with age comes the wisdom of experience, and as experience teaches what we can do and what we should do are not always the same.

Sure, ghosting has its perks for the ghoster. They get to feel in control of the relationship’s outcome, thus evading vulnerability. They avoid having a difficult conversation about what it is they’re really feeling. And most importantly, they escape any possibility of rejection. The approach is clear, direct, and convenient. And the lack of communication sends the message without actually having to press “send.”

But what about the ghostee? How does the extreme silent treatment impact the unwittingly ghosted? Experts agree the effects can be detrimental.

Before we continue, let’s be clear – some people need to be ghosted. An abusive lover? Without a doubt. A thieving friend? Buh-bye! A bullying boss? Better jobs await! These are a few of the circumstances that might not change with a conversation and thus, may warrant an abrupt end. But to ghost where there is no threat of danger or history of toxicity can be insensitive and cruel.

Ghosting is an act of social rejection. And while it has become increasingly popular in the age of the internet, disappearing from another person’s life is certainly not new. But what once took planning, strategizing, and cautious execution can now be done with the click of a button. Ghosting used to be a rare occurrence that we’d only ever heard about. But chances are, in today’s world, you’ve either been a ghoster or ghostee. And I speak from personal experience in saying, the role of ghostee is NO fun.

Wounded self-esteem, embarrassment, depression, anger, and more can stem from being ghosted. And despite the abundance of memes declaring “we’re getting too old to be explaining to people what they did wrong” and encouraging us to “cut people off without warning,” if we want to be emotionally intelligent, we must effectively communicate.

For the ghoster, this can mean finding a way to say how you feel that is both respectful and effective. Initially, this may be uncomfortable, but it is certainly more beneficial than ghosting in the long run. Mastering difficult conversations is a life skill that serves us far beyond social media interactions. So, the more practice, the better!

For the ghosted, picking up the pieces isn’t easy, but there’s wisdom and resiliency on the other side. Remind yourself often that another person’s behavior is generally less about you and more about them. This is especially true in the case of ghosting because the ghoster is typically unable to communicate effectively. So there’s no need to feel embarrassment or inadequacy. Instead, surround yourself with people who are considerate and kind.

Bottom line, in the game of ghosting, there are no winners. Mature adults effectively communicate. Can somebody make that a meme?