What Does Self-Betrayal Look Like?

If a genie offered you unlimited wishes to change only the things in your life, would you accept? If so, what would you change?

Would you have the same career or live in the same neighborhood?

Would you alter your appearance or personality?

What about your relationships? Would they continue? And if so, would they have the same dynamic that they currently do?

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If you knew that you could achieve anything without fail, what would you do? And more importantly, what obstacles prevent you from pursuing those changes today? If you’d wish for a career or location change, weight loss (or gain), or a more pleasing personality, how are you working towards creating those outcomes in your life without the genie?

At the beginning of 2022, I asked myself these questions and quickly realized two things: I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted, but I was certain some things needed to change. Now that I’ve begun consistently working toward achieving a few of my goals, I’ve realized something else: the time I spent ignoring my heart’s desires was self-betrayal.

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Self-betrayal occurs when we disregard what we know is best for us to appease other people, conform to societal norms, or escape our true selves. It’s a pattern of behavior that can look like saying “yes” when we want to say “no,” giving up our inner dreams to appear successful, ignoring our instincts and emotions, and more. Though self-betraying behavior can result from trauma, it can also be attributed to present-day culture.

With around-the-clock capitalism, consumerism, narcissism, and all the other -isms pervading society today, it’s hard to believe that anyone can not betray themselves. Society is all about telling us how we should look, what car we should drive, what career we should aspire to, how to be a perfect partner, friend, person, and more. And if currency-driven culture were not enough, the comparison-driven culture of social media more than makes up for what it lacks. It can be a toxic era to survive while figuring out what you really want to do. It’s a sad truth that it’s possible to betray yourself without ever knowing it in today’s times.

If you’ve never stopped to think about what your authentic self wants, there’s no time like the present. Self-betrayal can be a hard habit to break, but with patience and practice, you can learn to live life on your terms and to be true to yourself – in all aspects.

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In Relationships

Betraying yourself in relationships can take many forms, from being afraid to communicate your feelings to accepting behaviors that go against your core values and beliefs. When we place another person’s wants and our desire to continue a relationship with that person above our needs, we abandon ourselves. We put ourselves at risk of growing resentful, feeling worthless and unimportant, and sending the message that we don’t believe we are worthy of love. What’s worse is, when we aren’t being true to ourselves in a relationship, we don’t know if the love and affection we experience from our partner is genuinely for us or our representative. Would they stick around if they knew how we truly felt? Would the relationship remain intact if we weren’t constantly sacrificing our wants and needs?

The truth is that our anxiety about revealing our authentic selves tells us what we need to know. The inner conflict we feel when even considering expressing ourselves warns us that there is a disconnect in the relationship. Fear-based thinking may try to convince us that if we lose the relationship, we won’t be enough, but it is important to remember that every thought we have is not true.

Without the marriage, we are still deserving of love. Without the job title, we are still a success. Without the friendship, we are still valued. Self-betrayal has no place in healthy relationships. Here’s how we can stop:

  • Stand in your truth. Self-betrayal can sometimes develop as a coping mechanism, much like denial. But in moments of stillness and solitude, we can more clearly connect with the truth. Before we can advocate for ourselves, we must become self-aware. How often do you stuff down feelings of discomfort? Why does it feel like you can’t be yourself in the relationship? You may try a small writing exercise to help you give words to your feelings, then practice speaking your truth aloud.
  • Pay attention to your body. You know what feels right for you. We all do. Those “gut” feelings of discomfort and “lumps” in your throat are the body’s way of alerting you of distress. Begin to honor your intuition, no matter what. If it doesn’t feel right for you, don’t betray yourself by doing it.
  • Set boundaries – one “no” at a time. I can speak from experience in saying that boundaries can be hard to stick to, especially if you’ve been accustomed to people-pleasing. But the more you follow through, the easier it becomes. Start voicing when you feel uncomfortable. Take time to understand you. Distance yourself from people who encourage self-betraying behavior. Healthy boundaries improve your relationships.

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Within Ourselves

It’s possible to have a strong sense of self in romantic relationships – what we desire in a partner, what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable, where we can and cannot compromise – and betray ourselves elsewhere. We may remain in a career field we’re unhappy with because we’re “supposed to.” We might tolerate one-sided friendships because of their “history.” We may purchase things we don’t value or need to look “important.” These behaviors are consistent with self-betrayal and more harmful to us over time.

Though self-betrayal may be harder to recognize apart from a relationship (when we’re single and unattached, we are more likely to believe we are doing what we truly want to do), it can be uncovered through introspection. Some questions to ask yourself to identify self-betraying behavior include:

If these behaviors describe you, you may be guilty of betraying yourself. Using these strategies can help.

  • Make (and keep) promises to yourself. Whether it’s a small task like taking a daily walk or something larger like not returning to an unhealthy relationship, keeping your word helps you trust and honor yourself again.
  • Pay attention to your choices. Notice when you engage in your most betraying behavior. Is there a circle of influence that leads to you making bad decisions? Do you honor yourself more apart from certain interactions? Take note of when you feel you are most disconnected. It’s a sign.
  • Heal. Decide to move beyond your trauma. If that means therapy, don’t shy away from it. Understand that your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will have and the only one that is guaranteed to exist until the day you die. There’s no person, place, or thing worth sacrificing the true you. You may have survived previous traumas by betraying yourself, but you deserve to be healed from that. Toxic relationships, habits, and environments will no longer appeal to you when you heal yourself. It may be uncomfortable initially, but on the other side is the beauty of a life you don’t have to wish were different.

For more on self-betrayal, read this amazing article. Always love and hugs.