Caregivers Need Care, Too.

Words by LaRessa M. Thompson.

According to Billboard.com, 39 million viewers tuned into the 2012 Grammy Awards. As we mourned the passing of our beloved Whitney Houston, I received a phone call that rocked me to my core. “You need to get to the hospital ASAP; your mom has had a stroke.” Everything after that was a blur and has been for a large part of the past decade of my life.

Sunday, February 12, 2012, my mom suffered her first of three strokes. After years of uncontrolled diabetes and high blood pressure, she’s also been diagnosed with end-stage renal disease. Days away from my 24th birthday, God blessed me with a gift I didn’t feel worthy of receiving. Becoming a full-time caregiver while trying to navigate the craziness of my early 20s was a journey, to say the least.

 

As I reflect on the past decade, I’m reminded of a childhood memory that many of us would love to forget – walking into class and hearing the teacher excitedly announce, “POP QUIZ!” I feel as if that’s exactly what God did on that Sunday evening ten years ago. “Pop quiz, Ressa; I hope you are ready!” I will let you in on a HUGE secret; I have the advantage on this test. This season is more “open notebook” than “pop quiz.” I spent my early childhood years watching three of the closest women in my life walk through seasons of full-time caregiving.

My mom cared for her grandmother and uncle.

My stepmom cared for her mother and sister.

My nanny cared for her mother.

 

How strategic of God to allow me the opportunity to get a glimpse of what my adulthood would consist of. I watched all three ladies stand firm on God’s word, remain planted in His house, and most importantly, live out Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” My faith and relationship with God have undoubtedly been the sustaining force during this season of life.

Watching them thrive with their families, maintain successful careers, and attend social events while devoting themselves to a loved one has played a major role in my assignment. However, one thing that stands out is that while they rocked and gave their all to others, I can’t remember how often they withdrew during the process to take care of themselves.

 

To me, they were superheroes. Looking back, I also wonder how they did it all without intentionally pausing and putting themselves first from time to time. I can’t remember how often they slipped up, but boy, have I made a ton of mistakes along the ride. These are the top three that come to mind:

Avoid My Top 3 Mistakes

  • Losing my identity in my assignment
  • Isolating myself from family and friends
  • Ceasing to live the life I knew before caregiving

 

I look back and wonder how the journey would have looked had I not done the above things. Would it have made me a better caregiver? When I didn’t care for myself, I now realize that I wasn’t properly caring for my mother as well. Prioritizing my “self-care methods” has been vital to my daily duties over the past two years. If you are wondering how you can walk alongside and be there for a caregiver, here are the greatest takeaways from my journey:

How to Support a Caregiver

  • Show genuine concern for how the caregiver is doing
  • Ask how you can help
  • PRAY. FOR. THEM.

 

Over the past decade, I can only remember a handful of times that someone has paused and asked how I was doing. “How’s your mom?” Followed by, “Well, tell her I said hello.” All the while, I’m screaming for someone to actually think about the weight of the world that I have at times felt that I was carrying.

Most days, I bring my A-game and completely kill the day; some days, I fail miserably. So if you find yourself going through a storm – regardless of the situation – pray, take a deep breath, and give yourself a ton of grace. Take it from me: the Sun Will Shine Again. And always remember, caregivers need care, too.