Effective Communication is Key

Having struggled with both communicating with others and maintaining close relationships for most of my adult life, I’ve finally turned to the experts for help. And by experts, I mean the ones at www.google.com. No, but seriously, after a rough time expressing my thoughts personally and professionally last week, I’ve been researching how to improve my communication skills. And since I’ve been both speaker and listener in conversations without effective communication, I figure that I’m not alone. So what better way to start my journey toward improved communication than to write about it? I haven’t yet begun to implement the strategies that I’ve learned, but I have no doubt that I will. And for anyone who also struggles with communication, please feel free to join me. We can do this!

Angry/Aggressive Communication

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled to manage my anger. Whenever I encounter a situation that makes me feel bullied, discriminated against, or disrespected, anger is my go-to emotion. Over the years, I’ve learned to better manage my anger, but it’s still very present. And I still communicate from that space more than I’d like to. Thankfully, there’s a ton of really great information on the world wide web about managing anger long-term. If you’re a fellow angry bird, here’s what the experts suggest we do:

• Learn our triggers – It may be helpful to keep a mood diary and track the details of situations that provoke anger. Also, talking with a therapist can help us uncover patterns that contribute to rage. Once we know the triggers, we can do the work to cope with them.
• Show ourselves compassion – As a secondary emotion, anger is often rooted in a deeper feeling, such as grief, fear, or sadness. Taking a moment to identify the underlying pain our anger represents and show ourselves compassion for that pain may help prevent us from taking anger out on those around us.
• Communicate skillfully – Whew! This one’s a bit more involved, as learning to communicate when angered can take years of practice. But since the time must pass anyway, we may as well start today.
  • Think about your desired outcome – is it to engage in conflict or to resolve one? Focusing on what you’d like to achieve can help your communication remain centered around reaching that endpoint.
  • LISTEN! I wrote that in CAPS for me because I do not care what the person who has angered me has to say when I’m angered! In my mind, we are here because of your actions ALONE. But in reality, that may not necessarily be the case. The experts claim that effective communication is more about listening than talking, so we must hear out the people chile.
  • Focus on the issue, not the person. Yes, ripping one to shreds after feeling disrespected by him (or her) has been one of my greatest pastimes. But the older I get, the more unsettled I feel after giving away my power in that manner. If this is also the case for you, the experts agree we can avoid this feeling by keeping our communication focused on the issue at hand and refusing to get personal.
  • Be willing to compromise and to agree to disagree. Willingness to give a little or respectfully maintain opposing stances makes all the difference in preserving the relationship.

Passive Communication

For the passive communicator, the goal is to avoid confrontation at all costs. These individuals usually respond to inquisitions with statements like, “It doesn’t matter to me” or “Those all sound like great ideas” to avoid taking an official stance and maintain peace. While passive communication can appear on the surface to be amicable and mature, it can often lead to internal conflict within the communicator. Passive communication can also cause deep-seated resentment toward the person being spoken to, as the speaker may confound their unwillingness to express what they want with the listener’s desire not to hear what they want.

A passive communicator may not realize their needs are not being met because they fail to present what they are – not because the person they are communicating with doesn’t care to know their needs. If you have struggled with passive communication, be encouraged! There are steps you can take to navigate from passive communication to assertive communication. Here’s what the experts recommend:

• Own it – Though passive communication can result from an environment or upbringing that does not support one’s true needs, it is important to note that those needs must be disclosed. If you have not been forthcoming about who you are or what you want, how do your loved ones know what to honor? To transition from passive communication, you must be honest with yourself about your needs and then communicate that updated information to those around you.
• Build Confidence – Low self-esteem and lack of confidence can contribute to a passive communication style, which makes sense because if you don’t value your thoughts and needs, you wouldn’t expect anyone else to. Experts believe this type of low self-worth can create a cycle for the passive communicator where their needs are not communicated and therefore not met, so the concept that they aren’t important or worthy of having their needs met is reinforced. Fortunately, this cycle can be broken with professional intervention. Working with a therapist or healthcare professional can help the passive communicator gain confidence and communicate assertively.
• Advocate for Yourself – With awareness and intervention, you can begin to act. Communicating your needs assertively (not aggressively) can help transition you from a space of passiveness. When you begin to honor yourself and respectfully inform those around you of what you need, you’ll feel less resentful and more empowered.

Passive Aggressive Communication

Dubbed the “worst of both worlds,” passive-aggressive communication is toxic and manipulative. And an individual prone to this type of communication is often too fearful to be honest and too angry to be quiet. Instead, they resort to calculated and covert acts of hostility like backhanded compliments, sarcasm, veiled insults, stonewalling, subtle digs, gossip, blaming, and chronic lying. WHEW! If you’ve dealt with a passive-aggressive personality, you know just how draining this type of interaction can be. Conversely, if you’ve displayed passive aggression, you know how difficult it may be to express your true thoughts and feelings when the root issue is much deeper than what meets the eye.

No matter what role you’ve played in passive-aggressive interaction, it is important to remember that individuals displaying this type of behavior need compassion and empathy, not judgment, as often they are battling much more than just challenges with communication. Passive aggression can sound like, I’m not mad. I’m just joking, and why are you getting so upset? It can also feel like sadness, depression, and a genuine inability to be honest with others for fear of rejection. The good news is that you can conquer passive-aggressive communication for good. Here’s how the experts recommend going about it.

• Awareness – You cannot confront what you won’t admit. So get real with yourself and identify when you’re displaying passive aggression. Allow yourself to be angry. Sit with your emotions. Resist the urge to deny that there’s a problem and pretend that everything is “fine.” Feeling “negative” emotions doesn’t mean you aren’t a positive person.
• Eliminate sarcasm and subtle digs – There’s no world where sarcasm and subtle digs should replace authentic communication about your feelings. These coping strategies are often manipulative crutches that prevent passive-aggressive individuals from directly speaking their minds while also trying to have their needs met. When this type of negative communication is eliminated, there is more room for authentic and assertive communication.
• Develop healthy emotional habits – Realize conflict is okay. Give yourself time to change. Learn to express yourself honestly and assertively. You don’t have to engage in manipulative tactics to have your needs honored. The people who love and care for you will likely be happy to meet your needs when you begin to communicate respectfully and honestly what they are.

If you’ve previously engaged in any of the above communication styles, it’s never too late to change! Assertive communication that honors both the speaker and listener is the goal and can be achieved with patience and practice. If you need help identifying your primary communication style, try this quiz. And share your communication hacks with us in the comments below! Love and Hugs!